Have You Seen These Hipsters?
On the dark, dreary campus of Phillips Exeter Academy, the student body immediately knew something was wrong. The sounds of indie Spotify music had gone. Where were the ripped, light-wash jeans? Elephant print shorts? Violent outbursts of Hamilton? Modigliani paintings being thrown at the faces of preps?When interviewed, upper Genesis Contreras shook as she spoke. “It’s been a week since someone has lectured me on the effects of mainstream media,” she whispered, wrapping herself tighter in a protective blanket. “I haven’t had anyone to force me to drink liquid seaweed, or ombre the tips of my hair ... I feel so ... so lost.”Upper Aivant Goyal agreed wholeheartedly. “With no one to convince me of the dangers of standardized testing, or the overly-disciplined educational system, I can’t tell myself that my specially arranged dickeys on every third Wednesday are modern art anymore.” He wiped a tear away with non-recycled tissue paper, then cried harder.Without artistic hipsters on campus, Instagram shut down. Little Miss Sunshine had its Academy Awards revoked. Kale grew in such oversupply that NASA had to ship the excess to space. Coffee shops across New Hampshire are planning to close. D squared refused to be interviewed, but instead issued a statement: “Without our future English and East Asian Art majors, we’ve lost our purpose. No one else wants to pay $16 for a cup of milk and tea.” All this because of Exeter’s mysterious disappearance of its hipsters.Luckily, however, about a week into the search, citizen Zea Eanet, a “normie,” was jogging through the woods when she stumbled upon the missing hipsters. Believing that normal civilization was adhering too much to the social standard, Exonian-hipsters had decided to start their own community in the forests. That was all researchers could gather, however. Instead of speaking English, the most common language in America, they had decided to only communicate through ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics.“I’m glad we found them,” Ms. Eanet told us when we reached the woods. “I was starting to miss their presence on campus.” We couldn’t stay much longer, as the community began to break out in hives since non-organic cloth was within a forty-foot radius. Bidding the clan one last adieu, we left the woods by foot, ignoring the Birkenstock suggestions and hoping to meet once again in the future.