Response to First CCO Meeting

Dear uppers: it’s not too late. I know that first meeting with your college counselor was disheartening, but trust me, there’s still time to fix all the multitude of problems that they pointed out. Here are my favorite quick and easy tips to make yourself actually look like an interesting, well-rounded, and committed college candidate—and all before your next CCO meeting!

1. Paint a 12 x 15’ realist portrait of the look of severe disappointment on your college counselor’s face when you told them you wanted to “drop math” and that you “aren’t really considering MIT.” (To which your college counselor responded, “CalTech then?”)

2. Calculate the rate of decrease of the time between when you do your homework and when class begins. Project that rate onto the rest of your upper year. If you end up with a negative time gap, don’t worry—I’m pretty sure that’s normal. Time is just a social construct anyway. (Did you know that CalTech has philosophy classes?)

3. Run a science experiment on the snow. Why is it so white? How does it always manage to get inside your boots? Why does it always make your hair frizz up like that? Once you discover answers to these age-old questions, publish a scientific paper in The Exonian about it. This method is guaranteed to get you noticed by admissions officers at any one of the thousands of colleges with offices that regularly and avidly read The Exonian. (Like CalTech.)

4. Build a real life Alex the Geologist situation out on the Wetherell quad. (Alex would be played by a combination of Spoon, Rev, Mr. Richards and the entirety of the history department.) This one’s multipurpose: you can demonstrate your commitment to the mathematical art (CalTech?) by solving the problem in real time. Tattoo the answer somewhere visible on your body, and the entire experience probably qualifies as performance art. Look how well-rounded you are!

5. I know that dry skin is a real pain, but let me offer up two excellent ways of profiting from it: 1) Write poetry about how much it hurts, and how that pain represents the state of your soul. PEAL loves this sort of thing. 2) My college counselor tells me that some Californian schools are highly interested in dermatology.

6. Design a large fashion collection centered completely around staying warm; you’re layering sweater upon sweater just to stay alive. A new collection will definitely be marketable up here in the barren, New Hampshire tundra where winter storm Jonas hit hard. Make sure to include large pockets for apples, college rejection letters and paper cups stolen from d-hall. Add a marsupial pouch for all the letters you’ve gotten from CalTech.

7. Compile a long, long list of potential senior quotes and senior photo ideas. Put this list on your wall, add to it at least once every day, curate it obsessively and read it over every morning for a little boost of motivation. Remember that someday, one day, you will reach the promised land: senior spring. (Then onto all the crazy summer parties in SoCal.)

8. Participate in clubs you’ve never given a second thought to. By participate I mean show up once. [INSERT CALTECH REFERENCE HERE]