This Week’s Headlines That News Missed

The Rexes and Alex forgot to include some of the most important stories in this week’s paper. Obviously, I won’t stand for this. So I’m giving away a few inches of the humor page this week to keep our campus informed:

Gordo forgets to put arm around Coz at EP

Coach Shang dresses up as Olaf

Seriously.

Doctors discover Ben MacLean born without empathy bladder

Tommy Song finally hits gym; gym hits back, Tommy placed on The Exonian injured reserve

Tom Appleton raids Chudi’s closet

New quasar cluster discovered with galactic coordinates +02° 03’ 09”

Kevin Zhen gets DNA test, learns his five-eighths garden gnome

Campus Safety accuses The Grill of employing illegal Canadian immigrants

Four prep writers escape from The Exonian dungeon

Editor Jack switches from boxers to briefs

Health Assembly Exeter’s greatest success in over 200 years

Campus Safety discovers bio department comes to life at night

Astro department proves Earth's procession caused by Chris Shaffrey

Chris Shaffrey eats live gazelle, couldn’t wait for it to finish cooking

Also, Chris Shaffrey’s full name is Christopher Ignatius Shaffrey Jr.

Seriously.

Yena “Dynamo” Cho earns New Hampshire All-State basketball honors

Lol jk no.