Things Better Than Writing for the Humor Page

Being a sure-footed, majestic mountain goat who grazes in the Rocky Mountain tundra.

Standing on a severely inclined plane as if it were no big deal, which is what mountain goats do.

Having black horns that are roughly 15 to 28 centimeters.

Being able to count your age by looking at the yearly growth rings on your horns.

Trying to dominate the more passive, but often heavier bighorn sheep that share some of your territory on the side of mountains.

Living for 12 to 15 years as an Oreamnos Americanus (also known as a mountain goats).

Mewing and snorting instead of speaking.

Meeting a strong independent woman named Beth at a chili festival outside of Charlottesville, helping her refinance her student loans from Northeastern, dating her for about a year, proposing in a hot air balloon over her stepfather’s house in San Antonio, spending all of your time together, and then realizing that it’s not going to work out while you’re still in your late twenties.

Eating grass and lichens with your mountain goat mouth.

Not having to worry about toes, because you’re a mountain goat.