How to Survive Family Weekend
If you’re reading this and it’s Friday, it’s too late. Family Weekend has descended upon Exeter and no one is safe. This is a dangerous time, even for the deans, as there’s always the possibility that they will get yelled at by some helicopter parent. And if the deans are in jeopardy, then regular Exonians are in mortal peril.
However, there is a chance for you, my dear reader, to survive this ordeal, by following this carefully constructed guide by someone who experiences Family Weekend every weekend. If you’re reading this and it’s Thursday, there is still time for you to prepare. As a day student, I believe that if you follow the steps listed below, you will survive.
1. Convince a similar-looking friend to pretend they are you. Your parents haven’t seen you in so long that they won’t even recognize your face anyway. Plus, they’ll be super psyched that “you” jumped up four or five math levels when your friend takes them to his or her class. All you need to do to ensure success is have your friend tell your parents that their own parents are simply “academic” college recruits, and you should be all set. On the off chance that this strategy doesn’t work:
2. Spend some time outdoors; bask in the sun. Get your glow on. This is particularly important if you are a senior, because chances are, you haven’t looked at a mirror in forever (spotting your reflection while staring at a blank Word document does not count), and therefore you have no idea how you look right now. So unfortunately, I must be the one to tell you the cold truth. Your face looks the way snow looks in April, with all the dirt mixed in and everything. That’s probably why all the preps you’ve asked to “Stillwells and Chill” have rejected you.
3. DON’T clean up your room. This one may seem counter-intuitive and you might get yelled at, but trust me, it’ll keep your parents occupied. Your disgusting room is a valuable wild card up your sleeve, and it shouldn’t be revealed until five minutes before your hardest class. Just hide all signs of destructive behavior (i.e. the kingdom of Grill cookie wrappers scattered about your room and the messy lists of potential EP partners) and you can feel sympathy instead of empathy for once while your peers struggle in front of their own parents.
4. Get info on when and where “real” clubs meet, to prattle the information off to your parents. Here’s a freebie for you: Math club meets Sundays from 9:30 a.m. to 11:30 a.m., and Thursdays during Department Meetings.
5. Keep your parents away from the Friday night cocktail reception AT ALL COSTS. If they go, they will meet the Xonians. Their child, Maw-dell E. Xonion, is a co-head of EVERYTHING, claims to have invented “Ache Te Vitu” and argues with eleven versions of himself in a perfectly balanced Harkness Discussion in his dreams. You don’t want your parents to “mingle” with Maw-dell E. Xonion’s parents. Maw-dell E. Xonion is all Harvard while you’re all bust. Unless that’s all you want to hear about for the rest of Family Weekend, keep your parents away from the Friday night cocktail reception AT ALL COSTS.
That’s all folks. Will keep you in my prayers.