My Best Guess for What a Tournament Style MMA Competition Between the Deans of Students Would Look Like

Now we can’t be certain what this tournament would look like without the Deans actually stepping into the ring. But I’ve put a decent amount of work into this, so give me a chance to defend my thought process.

First, there’s an odd number of Deans, so somebody is going to have to get a bye. I think that we can all agree that to make it fair, it’s going to be our obvious one seed, Mischke. Now, Cosgrove and Geary won’t be much of a fight. While Dean Geary is obviously the stronger fighter, Cos is just going to fight too dirty. Remember, when you’re in the ring, there are no rules, and I’m pretty sure that Cos will do anything to keep from losing in the first round.

Then that takes us over to the Gordo/Salcedo bout. The Thrilla in Manila-Colored Envelopes! This is a tough fight to call. In one corner you’ve got Salcedo, an obvious crowd favorite who has—I assume—a killer left hook. Then there’s Gordo, who will obviously try to rely on his speed and ability to wear Salcedo out. But I don’t think that he’s a quick as he’s been in years past.

The big surprise to everyone, I’m sure, has got to be Salcedo’s upset over Mischke. I did some thinking about this one, and I couldn't get away from Rocky IV: the one where he punches the communist so hard that he ends the cold war. Every great sports upset starts with an underdog training harder than the assumed champion. Dean Salcedo just seems like the kind of Dean to do a Rocky style training montage in the middle of Russia, and it’s more than reasonable that Mischke is going to get cocky and let the fight get away from her (just like Rocky did in Rocky III).

Then there’s the championship bout. I spent quite a while mulling this one over. You can see that I even gave it to Cosgrove at one point, but deep down I really think that Salcedo would find a way to be the dark horse champion of the whole tourney. The crowd loves her—everyone wants an underdog—and I don’t know how well Cos would respond to the jeers. Sure, she’s got to be afraid of his dirty fighting, but this isn’t going to be like his match with Geary. Salcedo’s got the speed, and I’m sure that she’d be able to pull away from any eye-gouging or hair pulling that he might try to drag her into. Congrats, Salcedo.

As a side note, I would gladly give every penny I have to charity to watch any one of these fights, and I’m sure there’s a handful of people on campus who join me. If someone wants to start a Kickstarter campaign, that might help the cause. So really, by not fighting, it’s like the Deans are taking money away from charity—bold move, Cosgrove.