Dear Abby

Dear Abby: There’s a really cute new upper in my lower physics class. She doesn’t notice me, and I don’t know how to get her to want to go to EP with me. What can I do?

Get a neon bucket hat and a pair of Crocs, for sure. They're well within dress code. Also, don’t be afraid to always wear your Lion Card on a lanyard around your neck. Everyone looks great in their orange photo.

Dear Abby: I haven’t made too many friends in the first few weeks of school. What can I do to get close to other Exonians?

You are definitely going to want to talk about the test prep that your mom had you do over the summer. Bring up how well you do in the Barron’s practice tests, even though they’re supposed to be the hardest. People love hearing that stuff. Definitely ask the seniors in your dorm about their college apps. Offer to review their essay for them. Make them feel cared for and they will love you.

Dear Abby: I want to make sure that I get into a good college. What can I do in my prep fall to help my chances?

Run for prep rep. The Ivy's love that. 

Dear Abby: How do I not get caught dicking assembly?

Walk straight out of the Academy building. Spread your arms wide and take in the reality of your next half hour of freedom. Skip along the paths back to your dorm, and be sure to wave to any teachers you see along the way. If they don't notice you, try calling them out by their first names. They'll see your shining smile and Vineyard Vines bow tie, and won't think that you're up to anything but maintaining your perfect attendance record. Announce your presence loudly once you enter the dorm. Blast Kanye out your window and down the halls. It's right to feel triumphant over all of the other fools on campus.

Dear Abby: There are 8 other Abby's on campus. What can i do to stand out?

Get a better last name.