This Week in Review

What an eventful week. Here’s what you need to know:

Big Red Football throws a touchdown this time.

Scott Walker realizes he is secretly a Democrat. Runs against Hillary. Fails to get support. Drops out of presidential race. Koch brothers demand refund.

Pope Francis comes to the U.S. to buys an “I <3 NY” T-shirt. Causes massive traffic jams.

Dez Bryant breaks foot. Tony Romo breaks collarbone. Andrew Luck cries. Bryce Soucy laughs at Luck’s tears.

Grill is acquired by Trump International. The real estate mogul orders construction of 90 story luxury hotel to be built above Student Center.

2 preps drown during water polo. This is not a joke. You’re a terrible person if you laughed.

Pranay Vemulamada attends hugging seminar hosted by Astrophysics Department. Learns nothing new.

The Sports section secedes from the Exonian. Again.

Daring new lower tries Dhall’s “Singapore Curry.”

After hours of heated debate, Gould House facproc team ultimately decides to spend Academy Life Day at a strip club.

Tentacle monster residing in the Exeter River abducts two and a half fac brats.

Kevin Zhen still 5’3”.

That daring lower spent the night on the toilet.