Cosgrove Decides Dhall Food is Starting to Taste Good, Issues Series of Radical Changes

Earlier this week, Dean Cosgrove made a forceful statement in front of faculty and students from the balcony of Jeremiah Smith overlooking the Academic quad. Wearing the velvet cape that he has made dress code for the Dean of Students, he said “It has come to our attention that the Academy’s food - particularly that of Elm Street Dining Hall - has been raised above the standard that we have strived to set in the last several years. In conjunction with the Legion of Doom, I will do everything in my power to lower the expectations of students… bwah-ha-ha!” The Dean then transformed into a bat, and retreated back to his lair to protect himself from the harmful rays of the sun.

A subsequent press release indicated the luxuries in the Elm Street and Wetherall dining halls are expected to be slashed to the bare necessities. According to a statement from Vampire Cosgrove:

1. All meats will be reversed back to their purer form of live animals. The demon AJ believes that looking your meal in the eyes before slaughtering it and eating it is a lost virtue.

2. In order to combat Exonian obesity, each day one of the two lovely flavors that Dhall offers will be seasoned with arsenic to strengthen the constitutions of weaker underclassmen.

3. Meals featuring garlic will be removed from existence because, well, because, Cosgrove is actually a demonic beast with fangs sharper than machetes and wings lubricated with children’s tears, born in blazing, skin-burning hellfire known to the human world as a place where vampires often spawn from.

4. Dhall will continue to serve eggplant meatballs because Cosgrove kind of likes them (“bwah-ha-ha!”)

5. General Tsao’s “chicken” will now be made from students who couldn’t finish the swim test and drowned.

Finally, all food allergies will be ignored. The dean-mon Cosgrove “believes in natural selection.”

In order to protest these changes, the humor editors will be holding an event called “Garlic-deez-nuts Cosgrove” this Saturday after Back in Black at J Smith. We hope to see you there.