Campus Safety Begins Enforcing Girl’s Dress Code

There’s no denying it now; spring time is here. As it happens every year, the sun’s out, and so are girls’ favorite pairs of short-shorts. Of course, these short-short loving girls (and also some boys on the cross country team) are constant targets for dress-code-loving faculty. However, short-shorts wearers have begun to be called out by a new force of dress code enforcers: Campus Safety.

“It’s really about keeping everybody safe,” Officer Summer said. “There have just been too many incidents for us not to step in.” Of course, the incidents Summer refers to are all related to the recently heightened rate of boys injuring themselves around campus. Charlie Brusselsprouts, now in the infirmary with a broken leg, is one of many who have been seriously injured since it was sunny enough to wear shorts. He claims that, as he was coming down the science building’s stairs, he became extremely distracted by a girl walking past in short-shorts. “I really can’t control myself,” Brusselsprouts said, “I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring.” Another resident of Soule was also at the health center, recovering from a broken nose. “They came out of Wheelwright in their bikinis,” the Lower said, “Somehow I just forgot the lamppost was right in front of my face.”

Students are not the only ones who have fallen victim to the plague of shorts. Dean Cosgrove also had to visit the Health Center after Holden Hammonshrub walked past her on the way to D-hall. “His shorts were so short, and his thighs were so white…” she said. Cosgrove claimed that, as she passed the cross country captain, his bare, untanned legs reflected the sun into her eyes with enough intensity to burn her corneas. She was given a band-aid and toast upon her arrival to the health center.

Although the heightened enforcement of the dress code has significantly helped maintain the general safety of the campus, other problems have arisen. In efforts to comply with the “fingertip rule,” short-shorts enthusiasts have been cutting off the top joints of their digits. To combat this trend, next year’s updated dress code will include complete, un-amputated fingers for both sexes.