Day Students: People, Too?

With all of the much-needed policy changes made this year, a committee of faculty members has been selected to evaluate the integration and diversity of Exonians. After an intense battle between angsty upperclassman and “tired” preps ensued on Facebook late night, the collective faculty deemed it necessary to check in on student groups and make sure that everyone was playing nice. Their first destination? The Day Student Lounge.

Upon entering, the newly elected board was barraged by a cacophony of ukulele-wielding preps, two separate cliques of day student lowers doing questionable things in the “Quiet” “Study” room and a few boarders who got lost dicking assembly. No upperclassmen were spotted.

“The Day Student Lounge was utter chaos. It was nothing like the safe and relaxed home base it was envisioned to be. Clothes were strewn everywhere, and besides a small group of prep boys huddled together playing Minecraft and a group of lower boys watching anime, it was like walking through an apocalypse,” a faculty committee member said.

“My main concern when we first entered was that it was clear that, once a day student entered the cocoon, there was no going out. I think it’s all because of the pheromones. Day Students secrete a particular odor to find each other and mate like the inconsequential specks of matter they are,” another faculty member said.

The board was so concerned by their findings that they actively sought out Day Students who actively avoided the Day Student Lounge to find out why they were integrated into regular Exonian Society, while most underclassmen Day Students were not. Many upperclassmen Day Students were found in the library looking harassed. A handful were spotted sneaking out of dorms, glancing around furtively. Others were found in the music building with chess club, which the board members decided “doesn’t count.” The last few were seen hopping from one dining hall to another. These Day Students, according to the staff that work in the dining halls, consume more cereal and peanut butter than all other students combined.

After they’d located all the Day Students, the board decided that it would be better to bring diversity to the Day Students, instead of the other way around. Some ideas proposed by the board are installing speakers in the Day Student Lounge that play some relaxing Jazz, instead of the angsty “indie” ruckus that the Day Students have going on now, offering excused absences when boarders can furnish proof that they were in the Day Student Lounge during that absence and a “sweatpants all day for a day” pass each time a boarder makes a new Day Student friend. The board is confident that these ideas are totally foolproof and will work.

“I’m excited to see the integration that will happen once we implement these changes next year,” an anonymous board member said. “And if none of our ideas work, we can get rid of Day Students entirely. They’ve always been a bit shady in my opinion.”