This Week’s News Articles: A Summary

Hello, preps, lowers, zombies and seniors! I’m glad we’ve all made it to May. (Yes, even you preps. Don’t listen to what anyone tells you on Facebook and go get to work on that two-page narrative of yours). You’d think that most everyone took advantage of the good weather and spent their time outside, or at least glanced outside occasionally as they aggressively marathoned Game of Thrones alone in their room, yet it’s Thursday and somehow some lonely and persistent underclassmen combined with half-awake uppers have found the time to get The Exonian published. Alas, we all know that the Humor Page is the only page to peruse while showing off some semblance of social skills in Grill, so I have kindly summarized this week’s articles for you.

First up is an article about Class Relations. Preps have been protesting and crowding all the time on the paths with their signs and their moans (although they’re all seen running toward their dorms at 7:59 p.m.). Upperclassmen have responded negatively to their discontent, invalidating the preps’ concerns by the lack of bags under their eyes. Upperclassmen are frequently found competing to see who slept the least (nothing new here).

Class relations haven’t gotten much better amongst alumni, especially evident now during Reunion Season. The class of ‘95 has taken to calling the class of ‘00 “super preps,” which has angered the class of ‘90 because to them, the class of ‘95 are the “super preps” and the class of ‘00 doesn’t exist. This has upset the class of ‘85 in turn because the class of ‘90 are supposed to be “super preps,”  and so forth. One alum was so riled up that he took out his anger in a misdirected, livid email to the humor page. He accused the humor page of deteriorating since his time. He said that the page “is just about Tinder and how next to no Exonians are actually in-shape.”

Even though the word most commonly associated with exercise amongst Exonians is “ew,” Exonians seem to still care about their bodies, more specifically what they wear. Faculty deliberated on Monday morning regarding the revised dress code. According to our faculty meeting insiders, Exonians will now be permitted to wear onesies and horse head masks to class. When asked why they will vote in favor of the new dress code, one anonymous faculty member commented that, “Those kids will now obviously be happier with faculty, especially those of us that voted for the revised dress code, which means I will start getting great reviews on my PIE evaluations. Win-win, right?”

Now that you’ve been informed on the main happenings of this week, go out and have a blast! Don’t forget to wear sunscreen, though, because your skin is fragile from the six-month lack of sun exposure.