Chemistry Teachers Discover Rain Drops are Actually Student Tears
Exeter, NH — A torrent of rain douses prep Billy O’Handley as he rushes past the Phillips Exeter Academy Library on his way to prep biology. But as he climbs the stairs and surges to his classroom, an unlikely encounter occurs. The juvenile Billy clashes with chemistry teacher Michael “I love Star Wars” McLaughlin, and a few of the raindrops from Billy’s shirt falls into a test tube that McLaughlin clutches lightly between his fingers. Thinking nothing of it, the two separate. Billy disappears into his classroom, while Michael McLaughlin continues his journey into his chem lab, or what he calls, the “fun emporium.” After that, young Michael McLaughlin makes one of the most astonishing discoveries of the century.
“I was just fiddling with my scope and my lab equipment when suddenly I noticed that there was some mysterious liquid inside of my test tube. I put the sample on a slide, snapped on my favorite pair of goggles and took a peek. What I discovered was absolutely staggering.” McLaughlin said. “The liquid had an extremely complex molecular structure, one that I have never encountered before. I pulled out my 319 book and found identified the structure. The liquid in the test tube was actually teardrops, not water like I had hypothesized.” Following this groundbreaking finding, Michael immediately called his other chem buddies and asked them to meet him in the lab.
Jeff “Call me Dr.” Ward jiggled with excitement when Mr. McLaughlin phoned him. “When Michael hit me up, I was just learning about the more relaxing parts of botany with some of the Knight House boys...Anyways, that’s not really my forte, so I was happy to jog over to the emporium to check out the tears.”
Andrew “Scruff” McTammany expressed similar joy after being invited. “There aren’t a lot of parties at Exeter, you know? I mean there’s Asian Night Market, Glo and the occasional Amen rave, but those kinds of events aren’t really to the same caliber as these impromptu chemistry festivities.”
Together, the three enthusiasts reportedly learned that there were many different types of tears found in that same sample. “Take a look, here. This one is definitely from an upper writing their 333. You can judge by the lack of hope and genuine sadness captured inside the crystalline structure,” said Scruff.
“This one’s my favorite. It looks really similar to one of the tear structures I found on one of my 339 tests this term. It reminds me of why I teach. I think I’m going to frame it...”
In the end, the three buddies mixed together adult beverages in the magical solution spinner/centrifuge and cheered together. “We should totally pull a pop quiz tomorrow to collect more samples,” said Mr. McLaughlin as the three jolly old men clinked their wine glasses together.