The Principal’s RAT
A Principal Transition Committee has been selected to ease Exeter’s new principal, Lisa MacFarlane, into the Hassan lifestyle. The committee is charged with a variety of tasks, ranging from instructions on which D-hall foods to eat (and which should be avoided at all costs), to what Ache Te Vitu really means. One job that the committee has been tasked to complete is conducting a mini-search to find MacFarlane a RAT.
“RAT stands for Relevancy Amidst Technology,” an anonymous committee member told The Exonian. “Basically, the RAT’s job is to inform MacFarlane of things that the committee can’t always prepare her for. This includes explaining Tinder, Snapchat, and providing definitions for various, what do they call them? Emojos?”
“The RAT can be anyone,” a different committee member added. “Young faculty, old faculty, students, workers, even your grandma, but only if she knows how to whip dance and roll in a good 50 likes on any given pro pic.”
Despite the committee’s avid search, some faculty and committee members have protested the installations of a RAT. “A RAT is totally not necessary,” one faculty member argued. “These kids are angels. They’re the best and the brightest, the hardest-working and the most honest. I’m sure they spend their free time thinking about their class discussions and diligently preparing for the next.” No word yet as to how new this faculty member is.
Other naysayers had other ideas. “Exonians are humans of course, and we should definitely keep an eye on them, but a RAT is way too much. You know what? I myself know all about the going-ons in pop culture. Get this: Zane just left Wonder Affection, the same way Kelly Rowland left D’s Tiny’s Child and became a big hit. She’s married to Jay-C now, isn’t she?”
Arthur Cosgrove, Dean of Residential Life, is rumored to have agreed with this faculty member, on the topic of keeping an eye on the student body. Though The Exonian was unable to procure a quote from him, a reliable source recalled Cosgrove saying, “Those kids think I’m stupid. They think I believe their excuses of ‘getting lost’ or ‘getting stuck in the crowd’ when they burst in after I announce an assembly check, panting and clutching their ribs. I know that they were actually at Assembly, and were trying to play a little game of Inception with me. Sucks to be them though because I see right through their double bluff.”
Regardless of whether or not all of the Exeter community agree on hiring a RAT, the Principal Transition Committee has made it quite clear that there will be a RAT soon enough. “We’ve decided, and we hold the power. That’s a quote from pop culture right there. Did you get it? No? Abraham Lincoln said that in 1862! That was a prime reference, how did you not get that...?”
The only student available for comment for this article was Majestic Terhune, who said that her life was about socks and cat videos, and that she has no idea what technology even is.