Why Exeter Isn’t Hogwarts

Our sweet shop is Grill, and instead of chocolate frogs we’ve got mozzarella sticks.

Judging by their height and sensitivity, 50 percent of this school is either Neville Longbottom or Draco Malfoy.

We let the muggles run this place.

Dumbledore isn’t married to a dutchess.

When we’re eating we don’t sit with our housemates in the Great Hall. We sit alone with our laptops.

There are no cool houses. Wentworth is Slytherin, Merril is Hufflepuff and the rest of the dorms are Ravenclaw.

Harry can go 10 miles off campus.

Hogwarts students actually show up to their dances, and the girls wear more than just Spandex.

There are no basilisks or ghosts in your bathroom, but there are broken urinals and roaches.

The only magic here is that somehow it won’t stop snowing.

Their biggest problem is a dark wizard trying to take over the world: ours is Hand-Mouth-Foot.