Boys’ Squash Storms New York

A reporter from the Sports Page: Would you be able to summarize the game?

Distinguished squash player Andrew Turner: “Yes, I would.”

What does the team do well right now?

“We play squash better than our opponents.”

Were there any memorable moments in the game yesterday?

“Many. The first actually occurred on Friday, the night we were driving to New York. When Foster put his feet near my head, I took his shoe and I threw it out of the window. Boy deserved it. He was without a shoe for the remainder of the weekend.

Another memorable moment was Foster’s dive across the court against the Hill School. The crash severely displaced his shoulder, and his shrieks of pain could be heard throughout the building. With the help of six burly men, we popped his shoulder back into its socket. However, we did this incorrectly, so his arm will remain slightly crooked. Nevertheless, he played on.

Above all, the most memorable moment was later that game when Foster succumbed to a terrible case of appendicitis. Even with a critically swollen appendix, Foster heroically finished the match and even went on to play his match against StreetSquash. Unfortunately for Foster, the team was really hungry, and we stopped at a Shake Shack before going to the hospital. I ate a delicious bacon cheeseburger and drank a vanilla milkshake. Foster died at Shake Shack at 5:03 p.m. on January 24, God rest his soul. With passerby staring on in disgust, the team solemnly carried Foster's body fifty blocks to the East River. We dropped his body in the river and watched his blonde hair sink beneath the murky surface. To honor him, we sang his favorite Italian opera piece as he sank to the bottom of the river, where the marine surely devoured his entrails. After much debate, we decided to notify Foster’s family.

In celebration of Foster’s death, we created an Instagram account that captured the subtle beauty of life. Every minute that it was active represented a year of Foster’s life (follow the account at @ RIPFoster). But just as there was no way to avoid Foster’s death, there was no way to avoid deactivating the Instagram account.

Please note that the team is currently under investigation for the negligent homicide of the late Foster, God rest his soul. On the bright side, there were more pancakes for the rest of the team on Sunday morning and a great deal more space in the car.

Though I am not superstitious, one could say that Foster had it coming to him when he so rudely put his feet near my head on Friday night. To sum up the weekend, it was great. We won both of our matches.”

How has the team progressed so far this season now going into a three game winning streak?

“We won the first game, then we won the second game, then we won the third game, and then Foster died.”

Were there any struggles or obstacles that the team had to overcome during yesterday’s game?

“Not really, everything happened for the best.”

How do you think the team fairs in the league relative to other schools?

“We are the Charlie Sheen of New England prep school squash teams.”

How will this match affect future performances in the team?

“While death is tough, it also brought us together, and I think it was ultimately great for team bonding.”

Was this an easy win?

“Not for Foster.”

Did anyone on the team stand out yesterday and if so how?

“I won my match, but I can’t think of anything else.”

Do you have any other thoughts on the game?

“Please note that on the drive home, we saw Foster’s shoe approach on the side of the road. In that moment, I remembered that Foster died. The whole team was greatly saddened until we passed the shoe. Then we stopped, and all had McFlurrys, which was Foster’s favorite food.”