A Brief History of Exeter: Part I
Attention students, alumni, faculty children and those associated with the Academy by being a third cousin twice removed: I have outrageous news. You, for every meager minute of your life, have been lied to! And who might this great deceiver be? Well, the answer may surprise you. Everyone who has ever claimed to know the history of Exeter (which happens to be a very small number of faculty on tenure) has more than likely told you a bucketful of hogwash. Before you form riots and burn down Phillips Hall like you should, it is imperative that you know the truth, for the most genuine of actions come from the most understood of thoughts.
Well, it’s no surprise that the History Department is in on the actual events that transpired here in years past. Thus, I decided to approach the department head. (Bill Jordan has been quoted a lot in The Exonian this past winter term, so he asked to be kept under the valiant shield of anonymity. Therefore, I will strictly refer to him as Yung J). Yung J sat back in a stubborn silence at first, but I gathered my forces. I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist the pile of primary sources that I had skillfully collected and slid across the Harkness table. And with that, the story began.
Two hundred years ago, not too long after PEA was founded, a squadron of Philippians infiltrated the school by rolling onto the Academy Lawn in an Andover barrel. Armed with toilet paper and eggs, the “squad,” as they called themselves, smashed their eggs against the beautiful brick walls of our dorms, painting everything in a yellowish, off-white that remains to this day. Then the savages proceeded to TP every sapling, tree and confused prep in sight. As the town began to submit to the barbarians, hope started to diminish. They say that it was at this point in history when Las Olas stopped delivering. Life was miserable if you were an Exonian. Everyone was forced to take Latin, and classes started every day at 5 a.m. A few Exonians even jumped off of J-Smith in an effort to escape the brutal conditions, but the sneaky Phillipians built protective nets to squash any chance of escape.
But, one day, (a Tuesday it is believed), a hero emerged from the cosmos. Exonians watched in awe as a meteor crashed in front of Phillips Church and a large, dark figure broke free from the extraterrestrial rock. They called him Rev. After Rev. arrived, he gave a speech like no other—one that was so persuasive and moving that the Andover “squad” left in peace and Exonians broke free from their invisible shackles. Yung J acknowledged that no one is quite sure what was said, but the general consensus is that Rev. herded everyone into the church, spoke for half an hour and the Exonians returned to their respective residential buildings in glee and the Phillipians returned to their pitiful town of Andover. One faculty member who was there reported that an Exeter student was so touched by Rev.’s speech that he slipped his arm around the a close acquaintance for half an hour and thus, Evening Prayer was born. As for the debris that the Philippians left, we still use the leftover eggs for breakfast every morning and the toilet paper for the bathrooms in our dormitories.
After the invasion, one hundred years passed in quiet peace. North side and South side became engaged in a decade long civil war about whether or not the school mascot should be a griffin or a lion. Yung J said that there were many fires. The students on both side of campus had collected piles of failed pop quizzes and handwritten papers over the years, and finally put them to good use. The pieces of paper were used as tinder, but eventually everything was on fire. Yung J even confided in me that the murdered hopes and dreams lost in all the paperwork still haunts this campus and keep preps up at night. They cause detrimental disturbances in sleep, flickering lights, malfunctioning iPads, disappearing key cards and even bad midterm grades. In the end, however, the conflict was resolved when Student Council and the administration agreed to settle on a lion that looks like a griffin. Each year, during the fall term pep rally for E/a, we burn a variety of furniture to commemorate the war...(to be continued).