Departmental Fantasy Football

They say that nine out of ten people know someone that has been involved in or affected by fantasy football. While some Exonians may be unfamiliar with the concept of competing for fun, our very own teachers have set up a Fantasy Student League. The Religion, History, English, Art, Science, and Math departments gather every faculty meeting to analyze their players.The rules are simple. Each week there will be three competitions with one department facing off against only one other department. Each department gets to choose thirteen students, or players, who will gain or lose points for the team. Points are based off of grades received, sports, participation, and hours slept. Unlike fantasy football, there is absolutely no trading and no student adding/dropping. During faculty meeting, it is imperative each department be civil. There have been complaints about faculty sticking out their tongues and name calling. One anonymous source reported, “It can get nasty. One time someone from the English department called me a ‘ratchet plonker.’ Until then I had viewed them as a friend and honestly, in that moment, I just felt so attacked.”Because I am the best journalist that The Exonian has to offer, I was able to sneak into this week’s meeting. (If you move slow enough, they can’t see you.) From what I heard, the departments facing off were Art and History, English and Math, and Science and Religion. History, currently placed third in the league, admitted to their opponent, “We shouldn’t have included those two uppers. It really brings our sleep score down.” This blunder led to Art losing by only 30 points instead of their usual  50.Somehow doing even worse than Art, the English department had a lot to say about how the points were awarded. “I don’t know, maybe I’m crazy, but the way we score the students just feels wrong. You know? There’s something I just do not like about odd numbers, so every time you give me an odd number of points, you should just round up. The other departments might not like this rule, so you don’t have to apply it to them, but this is a matter of personal preference that will really offend me if you don’t abide by it,” said an English faculty member.What really made me sweat was the battle going on between Science and Religion. One annoyed Science teacher exclaimed, "It’s not my fault that you’re losing. You are obviously from the shallow end of the gene pool if you choose a player who’s in pass/fail.” Science ended up winning, but it was later revealed that the department had enlisted the help of Computer Science to create a program that would calculate the best picks. When prompted to explain the reasoning of this discrepancy, one teacher reasoned, “CompSci should totally be able to help us out. It doesn’t matter that they get to just waltz into their classrooms and avoid the stairs, stairs, and even more stairs; they’re in the same building, we need to take them in.”The Humor Page tries its best to create a safe environment for everyone and everything that we write about. With that in mind, if you are interested in learning more about the Fantasy Student League, then do not ask. Seriously. This is a very sensitive topic for most faculty members.Nevertheless, see you on the scoreboards next week!