The Case of the Tinder Boyfriend

Sirens are blaring. EPD stands by. President Vice President Chief-Detective Principal Dean Arthur J. Cosgrove steps out of his van wearing sunglasses and a tie decorated with the faces of young Exonians whose souls he has consumed.Earlier tonight, Cosgrove was called over by Cilley’s faculty/proctor team because an unnamed upper started a relationship with a student from EHS using the popular social media app Tinder. Last year, after a portion of upperclassmen contracted hand foot mouth disease from hookups with outsiders, the app was banned for Exonians. Harsh constraints were placed upon those who continued using Tinder or Tinder-like apps, which include but may not be limited to: eating dhall food for all three meals every day and being trapped in New Hampshire during neverending winters.At the scene where the Cilleyite was pulled away, one faculty member stood by the C-Funk bench with his palms in the air. “This time, the upper took it too far. First he was on Facebook. Then he was on Twitter. He even played Fantasy Football, which was all OK, until he finally crossed the border when he swiped right on Tinder. It was out of control. I had to call King Cos.”“Here it says right here in the E-book...” At this moment in time, the faculty member pulled out an E-book from his back pocket and opened to a page not only dog-eared, but bookmarked and highlighted as well. Pointing to a single highlighted line, the faculty member ushered me over and read: “Faculty must alert the local authorities and the dean on duty if a student is caught using Tinder or an app similar to Tinder.”I watched helplessly as Cos slapped handcuffs onto love-seeking friend’s wrists and led him to his van. “Oh, I’ve been waiting to catch you for a long time,” Cos hissed as he pushed the upper through the door. For a moment, I thought I saw a forked tongue escape from Cos’s lips, but perhaps in the night, it was simply an illusion. Tears formed in my eyes as I began to realize it was the end for my friend. Rumor has it they send the kids Mr. Cosgrove have caught to Andover after he steals their soul. All that’s left of that unnamed upper are memories... and his face on Cos’s tie.