Outbreak of Senioritis

Earlier in the summer, Principal Hassan announced that his long epoch at Exeter will soon come to an end. As seniors, we are honored to have Principal Hassan graduate with us as honorary class of 2015. However, it seems that after announcing his impending retirement, Principal Hassan began showing signs of a vicious disease that ravages hundreds of students at the end of their tenures at Exeter-- Senioritis. Generally developed in the warmer months of spring due to a chemical change in the brains of graduating seniors, doctors believe that the unusually warm first week of school, coupled with the initial impact of his mid-summer announcement, has caused Hassan to begin his transitional stage early.The symptoms of Hassan’s specific case of senioritis have piqued the interest of scientists across New Hampshire. While the typical senior exhibits common habits like dicking classes, treating assembly as a free, and showing a general disregard for work of any kind, no one could have predicted the last and most powerful symptom would adapt itself to the needs of adulthood. Over the past week, Principal Hassan has rarely been seen. Sightings have been recorded of Hassan in a soaked suit, shivering outside the halls of Jeremiah Smith, presumably the result of an iPhone video of the ice bucket challenge. Faculty have complained that Hassan almost never shows up to faculty meetings or deans’ meetings. The Board of Trustees bemoans Hassan’s new spending habits, saying, " He’s told us he needs an extra couple ‘thousy for his calzies,’" refering of course to his daily order of Supreme’s large buffalo chicken calzones.Some members of the Exeter community even fear for the other faculty. As many a senior can tell you, senioritis is wildly contagious among friend groups. "Even I’ve been thinking about dicking assembly," admits Dean Cosgrove. No one knows how far the contaigon will spread. So far, senioritis has contained itself to administrative faculty, but there’s no telling when the English faculty will stop teach Hamlet and will instead start teaching The Big Lebowski as "literary classics."