The Lavish Latin Lifestyle: A Hard-Hitting Expose

To celebrate National Money Week and Dead Language Day, all six teachers that make up the Classical Languages Department reserved the gym and had the pool drained to replace it with their massive amounts of money. Classics head Sally Morris arranges the shindig every year, and even puts together the gift bags filled with fur coats and keys to Ferraris. In an interview, Latin/Greek teacher Nick Unger says “it’s hard to have this much money, so we decided to literally swim in it.” Their play on words soon turned sour as teacher Matthew Hartnett accidentally swallowed a $100 dollar bill. Thankfully, a lifeguard was able to throw a diamond life preserver and drag the teacher out for mouth to mouth. The state of the bill is unknown, but at least the Classics teachers were able to go back to their lavish, Latin lifestyle.