RE: Forrest Dump

Last week, in an attempt to fill up the daunting, white InDesign Humor page, Ben and I wrote an (accurate) review of the movie Forrest Gump. We got a lot of flack for our honesty, insight and expertise, so in response to the backlash, I've decided to draft up a list of spin off movie ideas that would have been better than the original Forrest Gump: Forrest Clump: A medical documentary about the congealing of blood as told by Tom Hanks whilst speaking in a Southern accent. Forrest Grump: Tom Hanks is the angry, old man in your neighborhood that likes to shake his cane at young children while asking them to get off his lawn whilst speaking in a Southern accent. Alternatively, Tom Hanks could be the discontent dweeb in a high school who can't wait to leave his small, southern town and Make Something of Himself (whilst speaking in a southern accent). Forrest Hump: (get your minds out of the gutter, Exonians) A feel-good documentary narrated by Tom Hank as Forrest Gump about getting over the Wednesday blues whilst pulling through in a Southern accent. Forrest Trump: In which Tom Hanks gets an awful comb-over in attempts to cover his bald spot(s) and discovers the urge to fire people in a Southern accent. Forrest Jump: Wherein Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump is a gifted double dutcher and goes on to replace Corbin Bleu in the hit Disney movie Jump In! whilst speaking in a Southern accent. Forrest Krump: A fast paced dance movie wherein Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump joins a tough dance crew and becomes a master dancer whilst krumping in a Southern accent. Forrest Hunk: Tom Hanks stars as Forrest Gump: the irresistible bad boy in Nicholas Sparks' newest romance movie who steals your heart whilst riding away on his motorcycle in a Southern accent. Forrest Monk: Wherein Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump stars as Avatar Aang in M. Knight Shaymala's cinematic hit Avatar: The Last Airbender whilst bending in a Southern accent. Forest Sunk: The true story behind Jack and Rose's Titanic love story is revealed as a love triangle between Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump whilst they all draw each other as French girls in Southern accents. Alternatively, Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump stars in the hit movie Life of Pi as a young Indian boy stranded on a boat with a tiger, monkey, zebra and hyena whilst fending for his life in a Southern accent. Forrest 'Munks: Wherein Tom Hanks joins Alvin, Simon and Theodore as they harmonize pop songs whilst squeaking in Southern accents. Forrest Plump: Wherein Forrest never decided go running and instead, sits around eating a box of chocolates and watching the VH1 "Where are They Now?" special on his long-lost love, Jenny, whilst crying in a Southern accent. Forrest Mumps: Wherein Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump has a visit to the dentist's office after contracting the Mumps from Jenny whilst rendezvous-ing in Southern accents. (Rain) Forrest Gump: A reality T.V. camera crew follows Tom Hanks through the Amazon as he travels in search for a natural ping pong table whilst bird calling in a Southern accent. Forrest Bump: An extraordinary documentary that follows the first male pregnancy of Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump whilst delivering his child (to be named Jenny) in a Southern accent. Forrest Dunk: Wherein Tom Hanks takes a year off of terrible acting to come to Exeter and PG on the varsity basketball team whilst dribbling in a southern accent. Alternatively, Tom Hanks' gap year is spent as the temporary CEO of Dunkin' Donuts whilst managing in a Southern accent. Forrest Ump: Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump joins the Hella Official Umpire League as baseball's worst umpire whilst missing calls in a Southern accent. Forrest Gum: Throwing it back to his middle school days, Tom Hanks stars as twelve-year-old Forrest Gump, the sassy kid in the back of the class that pops his Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape gum whilst judging his classmates in a Southern accent. Forrest Chump: Wherein Jenny breaks the heart of Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump repeatedly (wait, this sounds familiar) whilst hurting him in a southern accent. Forrest Frump: The sequel to Forrest Chump, wherein Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump continues to mope about his house after Jenny has left before his fairy god Bubba gives him a makeover whilst helping him in a Southern accent. [Forrest(s) Exeunt]