Valentine's Day Advice

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. That means a few things: couples will be happier, single people will be even more bitter, and I am still alone in the Exonian office looking longingly at Ms. Dean’s box of munchkins while Jesse McCartney tells me that all he wants is my beautiful soul. With the whopping one submission we’ve had this week, I am forced to supple- ment the Humor Page with your stereotypical Funny Girl’s Opinion on Valentine’s Day. I could give you a Buzzfeedesque “Types of People on Valentine’s Day,” or publish that ode to the hockey team that I’ve been working on, but we all know that’s not going to happen. Instead, I sit here wishing Ben were busy with sports and not smiling instead of being at the play, and wishing that I had the under eye circles to be Harvard-bound.I’m going to tell you how to survive Valentine’s Day this year. If you’re not in a relationship and are an upper, take the time to write that history paper you’ve been procrastinating, or pull the right kind of all-nigher and sleep for twelve hours straight. If you’re a senior, scope out your class- mates and be prepared to call dibs for when your time to YOLO comes in the spring. Preps, spend your time in with other lonely lowerclassmen and take a stroll on LionLinks to get to know your upperclassmen. What good are seniors if they’re not unattainable and unaware of your existence?If you’re in a relationship, you’re probably wondering why you’ve wasted your time reading something that doesn’t apply to you, but fear not, as I also have gold nuggets of wisdom for you (which are perfect Valentine’s Day gift ideas)! Can’t afford solid gold? Why don’t you make the apple of your eye a nice card with a clever phrase on the front? Don’t spring the extra 5 bucks for something from Walgreen’s when you can enlist a humor writer (if you find one) to brainstorm ideas. After all, noth- ing is more appealing than other people being funny and someone else taking credit for it. Should a humor writer not be present for your use (as they often are not), you could always do your girlfriend or boyfriend’s homework! Nothing says you love him or her more than taking a load off their shoulders and risking a Discipline Case to do that. Rule breaking isn’t your thing? Play "Flappy Bird" on your significant other’s phone and raise their score for them. Remember not to make it as high as your own, as jealousy is not a good gift on the day to celebrate love.If none of these appeal to you, then that’s probably why you are single or struggling to show your "bae" some love. Happy Valentine’s Day, and don’t forget to be just as bitter and single or happy and in love during the other 364 days of the year.Love,The Humor Page