The Calendar Conspiracy

The Lost Symbol, The Davinci Code, Angels and Demons: They all make sense. What do all of these books have in common? They all contain the letter ‘o’. What else do they have in common? They were all written by mystery, conspiracy, thriller etc. author Dan Brown. “Who is Dan Brown?” I hear you ask. Exeter’s second most famous alum. But where did he get his inspiration from? AHA! Of course: it’s Exeter.I have uncovered, upon coming out of a bender of RAL, that Exeter is the center of a major conspiracy-- only they’ve made the mistake of slipping up. I have discovered that Exeter is actively trying to drive students into the ground. “But why?” I hear you ask again through a newspaper. “Well of course, curious reader,” I reply, “to create superhumans.”Exeter has been curiously adding things to the academic year: Advisee meetings, a spring term with five Saturday classes, and now, 400-level math auxiliaries? It simply doesn’t add up. Unless...Imagine a long black Harkness table, a la Austin Powers. The trustees and higher-ups all finger tent maniacally. A plan of attack laid out on a calendar in front of him, Hassan cackles. “Fall,” he reads, “Advisee meetings.” The crowd roars. “Winter,” the crowd leans on the edge of their seats, “Saturday classes and Math!” This show of power, all in hope to create the world’s greatest humans. It’s simple enough. We weed out the weak ones with hours of math and meetings. Only the strong will survive to carry on Exeter’s goal of hair restoration, tax deduction, and most of all, New Hampshire domination.