A Desperate Plea for Sweet Tea

I am a man. And like any other man, I have needs. In my specific case, I have the need for something smooth, brown, and sweet. I need Honest Tea Sweet Tea from Grill. Grill, I’m coming to you figuratively on my hands and knees, addressing you as a single entity, hoping that you will restock the liquid glory that is sweet tea. I’m sure you’re thinking something along the lines of “Jackson, you’re just another entitled boy who surrounds himself with people who enable his liquid addictions. Stop whining, and just drink a different flavor of Honest Tea. After all, they’re all the same brand, just different flavors.” Grill, I love you, but if that’s what you believe, then I just don’t think we have a future together. Saying that Honest Tea’s cranberry orange water is comparable to their sweet tea because they’re both made by Honest Tea is like saying that Casablanca is comparable to Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous because they’re both produced by Warner Bros.I’m sick of the lying and excuses, Grill. Phillips Exeter is a school that has food-world connections so great that we can print thousands of custom fortune cookies announcing Principal’s Day, so excuse me if I’m a little bothered by the fact that I walk into Grill every day just to turn away from the sweet tea-less fridge in disappointment and disgust. I feel ostracized by the Grill staff members, who constantly give me perplexed looks that seem to ask, “Did you just decide not to get anything, or are you stealing candy?” To put my suffering into perspective, I literally had a dream the other day that I walked into Grill and all the other Honest Tea flavors had been replaced by sweet tea. Just a couple weeks ago, I broke down and walked to a convenience store to buy Arizona Sweet Tea… using my own money. That’s right, my passion for Honest Tea Sweet Tea is so absolute that I was willing to spend my own money on a cheap substitute just to get my fix. The fact that I would spend my hard-earned money rather than charging my parent-funded Lion Card should indicate just how deeply affected I am by the tragic shortage. Maybe Grill has a reason for not re-stocking. I choose to respond to that assertion with a quote: “Who needs reason when you have [sweet tea]?”