How to Win a Campaign

I walk through the poster-adorned hallways of Grill every day, and every day I’m filled with greater disappointment in the uninspired campaign posters. I try to find solace on Facebook, but my news feed is littered with subpar campaign videos. After hours of stressing over other people’s lack of campaigning ability, I decided that I’d do you all a service and lay out my campaign strategy, for free, for you all to implement. For the sake of my plans, assume that you are operating on a Mexican pop star-level budget. Also, for the sake of gender pronouns, assume that you are a male candidate (I know we all like to think that we’re progressive and PC because we have female Executive Board members next year, but statistically that only happens every 20 years).Step 1: Love Notes. Plant anonymous love notes addressed to yourself all around campus. Kids will find them and say to themselves, “Wow, I’ve seen like thirty love notes all to this one guy, he must be super awesome.” It’s an ideal way to get your name out there.Step 2: Heroism. Pay your friend to have an “accident” while bridge jumping. Heroically save them while another friend conveniently films it, then uploads the video testament to your heroism to Facebook.Step 3: Seduction. Surround yourself with beautiful women in order to secure the male vote. Men will notice your attractive companions and seek to spend more time with you as a way of getting to know your female friends. Females will notice your male companions, and seek to get to know you as a way of getting to your newfound male friends. As your friend group expands, your charisma expands.Step 4: Media. Posters are cliché. Videos (besides your life-saving video from before) are boring. But know what all the kids are into? Substance abuse. Begin to distribute cigarette packs with your face on them, and your reputation as a hot-shot politician will rapidly develop. I'm pretty sure you're not even allowed to be considered a politician unless you've been involved in some scandal.Step 5: Announce Your Candidacy. At this point, you’ll have established yourself socially, so it won’t be considered too weird when you start to scream your head off in Grill, announcing that you’re running for class president or class rep or whatever.Step 6: Media (Continued). Install TVs all across the Academy Center with a constant live feed of your day (you have nothing to hide, and any intimate moments with members of your female companions from Step 3 will only gain you further respect from the males, and further attention from the females). People will appreciate your openness, as well as the fact that they have something better to do in Grill than talk to each other.Step 7: Chill. You’ve done all you need to do. Sit back, relax, crack open a couple cans of non-alcoholic beer, and chill with your now absurdly large, mixed-gender posse. Now you’re living the Obama lifestyle, and that’s how you know you made it.