Gratitude in Grief
By Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS)
Ancient Greek tragedian Aeschylus wrote, “There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief.” The memory of joy in the presence of grief is an existential paradox; difficult to hold, to make sense of, and to translate into intrapsychic and interpersonal meaning. In the wake of Matthew Clemson’s tragic death, each of us will feel Aeschylus’s words differently, just as each of us experiences and expresses our grief differently. Yet despite these individual differences, we share a bond without which feelings of loss and longing would not be possible. We are here, in relationship with one another, and in community as Exonians. As Brené Brown said, “We do not have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.” These sentiments resonate with us in profound ways.
As Exonians, we share a commitment to growth. We share a commitment to the unselfishness embodied in our motto, non sibi. We, as individuals, are all embedded in community, always being supported by others and always providing support in exchange. In order to do this, we commit to respecting and celebrating our different identities, ideas, and intentions. We understand that grief looks different for each person. Sadness is just one facet of grief. For one person, there might be anger; for another, numbness; for yet another, confusion. No one has more of a “right” than others to have feelings about Matthew’s death. And it is also okay if you don’t have any feelings about it at this time. It makes sense to want academics to be put on hold. It is also understandable if you are ready to get back to work. This is a time for us to be extra compassionate with ourselves and with each other; there is no right or wrong way to feel. Especially now, the most important thing is to listen deeply to ourselves and to take good care of ourselves and one another.
In the weeks since Matthew’s death, we have sought and provided support from one another in tears, hugs, conversations, activities, prayer, and presence in common spaces. In the midst of our grief, many have found connection. In connection, we have found solace and gratitude. In solace and gratitude, there is joy. The way to recover from grief is to realize the importance of fully living, of showing up for ourselves and for others as though the present moment is all we have. This is central to grieving and healing.
Here in the Lamont Health & Wellness Center, students have met with doctors, physician assistants, nurses, aids, CAPS counselors, Riverside Trauma Center crisis counselors, and some have even spent time with our therapy dogs. In dormitories, sports facilities, studios, theaters, club rooms, affinity spaces, classrooms, and day student homes, students have connected and reconnected with trusted adults and peers, including their Student Listeners and Proctors.
And just as adults have supported students and other adults, students and their families have supported the adults in this community. The CAPS faculty has been touched by your care and concern for us during this time, further highlighting the non sibi spirit of our community. Words such as “How are you doing, Mr. Thompson?” and “Please take care of yourself, Mrs. Mautz” reflect our students’ genuine compassion and empathy. Like every Exonian, from the youngest prep to the oldest alum, from the newest employee to the most tenured, we have been touched and buoyed by this community’s genuine compassion. Thank you for caring.
The depth of our shared loss is matched only by the magnitude of our shared connection. In the days, weeks, terms, and years ahead, our hope for all Exonians is to continue drawing strength from this connection. Remember, “We do not have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.”
Respectfully submitted,
Dr. Szu-Hui Lee, Dr. Chris Thurber, Mr. Marco Thompson, Ms. Jo Mautz, Ms. Kathy Simon, Ms. Harmony Costopulos, and Charla Malamed