Exeter Friends; Lifelong or Not?

By  ARYAN AGARWAL ‘27 and KEVIN THANT ‘27

   When you came to this school, you were promised “lifelong friends.” You’ve been deceived. From the moment that you step foot here, you are led to believe that Phillips Exeter Academy is a haven for building everlasting bonds, ones that can last even beyond your years here. Exonians think that upon graduation, their friend groups will get together annually for big dinners where the laughs will echo those of the past, reminding us of those long-gone times in Elm Street and Oba, or something along those lines. We conflate the reality of these so-called “boarding-school friendships” as we try to grapple with the fleeting nature of the time that we have with these people turned siblings. Still, this is not necessarily as dark as it may seem to be. Rather, the memories that we build with the people around us now will come to serve us everyday of our lives after Exeter, even if the physical distance between us seems immense.

    This brand of timeless friendships is fundamental to the image of the “Exeter experience.” You have seen phrases pushing this idea on countless occasions as deans and alumni give their talks about what Exeter means to them. They describe the social environment as one of the most robust that they have ever been a part of, and there is absolutely truth to this. Coming to Exeter, you are surrounded by hundreds in the same boat as you; hailing from nations and sovereignties from every corner of the world, every Exonian has been faced with the daunting task of setting into this rural New Hampshire boarding school and making friends. The almost desperate situation is exactly what removes so much of the friction associated with socialization: when no one has any friends, everyone is willing to engage with each other to see what works.

    “Hey, what’s your name?”

    “Where are you from?”

    “What do you do?”

    These questions come almost naturally in just the first few weeks of school, as the outlines of large friend-groups begin to form. We start increasing our stake and commitment to these relations, until it seems that without our friends, our lives could never be the same. Starting with eating together at Elm, then studying together in the library, going out to town for dinner, and then spending hours on late-night Facetime calls, the pace at which Exeter friendships solidify is breathtaking. However, this brings its own problems.

    At Exeter, social stimulation is available to us whenever we want it. With just a quick text to the group chat, you can have friends at any place on campus within minutes. You can share your most heartfelt emotions to some of these friends. When bonds become that strong, they almost feel surreal; one will wonder if these friends are even replaceable, and will hold on with everything they have got. That is especially true in an environment like Exeter where, without friends, loneliness is an epidemic.

    As the borders to our inner-circles close, we get stuck in the same groups for our entire time here. We rarely push ourselves to make new friends because of our comfortability with the groups that we already hold, and all that will do is stunt our social growth. We make friends when it is easy, but we never need to challenge ourselves to do so when it is hard. Unfortunately for Exonians, the real world is much harsher.

    Graduating from Exeter, most students will find themselves in college where the social environment is comparable. Looking even further is where problems begin to arise. In a professional setting, most aren’t desperate to make friends at all. Many of the people that Exonians will look to make friends with already have established connections, meaning that alumni need to be hungry to network. The problem is that during their time at academic institutions like Exeter, they never needed this drive to make friends because much of the difficulty had been removed.

    Even further, most people in the real world are not so readily available to spend time with you. As your commitments and responsibilities grow, so do other peoples’, leaving you stuck at home on nights that you are used to being out for. These kinds of transitions can be shocking.

    All of this is to say that social structure in the real world contrasts greatly to that at Exeter. The friends that we make here will all part our ways, the once inseparable attachments seeming to fade. You will eventually make new friends, and then leave them as well, repeating this never-ending cycle of having to “move on.” That is not to say that you won’t keep in contact with old friends, but leaving any place behind will undoubtedly weaken relationships. You will start a family, get a job, and slowly become sucked into a life that doesn’t leave very much time for friends, and especially ones from back in high school that live halfway across the world. But something about Exeter makes these relationships different.

    People have the same nostalgia when they talk about college and the friends they made during that time. When we leave Exeter, we remove ourselves from the dependency of our friends, but the memories during our time here will remain. You’ll never forget late nights spent together grinding homework or going out to eat at your favorite restaurant or Saturday nights you spend watching movies. Because these moments and relationships were so dear, they stayed with us in our time here and beyond.

    However, the same can be said for most high school or college memories. At Exeter, however, you’ve spent four of the most challenging years of your life with these people, but because of the unique time we enter Exeter, you also grow up with them. Whereas you would have a parent or a sibling you lived with before, you now have your friends. You see your inner circle transform from a bunch of rowdy preps to semi-mature seniors. Most of them will remain because they were there as you transition into an adult. Of course, balancing a busy life while maintaining contact with old friends is hard, and that’s where most high school relationships die. However, the dependency created among relationships at Exeter makes it hard to immediately accept that one’s friends aren’t there with you. The idea would be strange, almost like a life in which you don’t have a family. Exeter creates familial bonds that may be weakened by the passage of time, but losing them will be impossible.

    Despite the cliche of the statement, it certainly is true. Exeter creates lifelong friends who, if you look back at your time here, will be the first thing that comes to mind.