Take a Stance on Sex
Sex is, by all accounts, everywhere at Exeter. School surveys show that 50 percent of Exonians have had sex in the past—a number high above the national average. Right now, the E-Book is ambiguous on the question of whether students can have sex. Nowhere does it say it is banned; however, it makes it clear that visitations are not for the purpose of sex, enforcing a silent ban, if you will. That makes it hard for a student to have sex on campus while following the E-Book.
At the same time, the school offers condoms, a tacit acceptance that sex does occur. While this ambiguous position on sex may have some positive attributes, it means that a wide number of issues relating to student safety and the moral orientation of our school will be potentially unresolved. I understand why the issue of sex is such a prickly one for the school. There are many factors to consider which make it hard to come up with a policy that works for a diverse community like Exeter. Nonetheless, a happy medium is still possible.
When discussing the issue of sex at school, one concern should naturally take precedence: student safety. In view of recent controversies around sexual assault at prep schools, including here at Phillips Exeter, this question deserves deep reflection. I worry that students who violate the visitations policy to have sex might feel uncomfortable in their environment and want to leave, yet not be able to for fear of disciplinary action. While this new policy is only a small step toward ensuring a safe campus for everyone, it would for sure be a step in the right direction. Whatever the school’s position on sex, it must work to ensure that even illicit sex does not negatively affect the experiences of students.
The second and more complicated issue is whether the school should morally condone students having sex. With such a large student body, the school’s position will undoubtedly go against the views of some parents, which perhaps is the reason for their ambiguity. I understand, therefore, that sex on campus is a topic which the school may not want to address.
However, if the Academy wants to be neutral on the issue, they should be such consistently. Our visitations policy effectively prevents most sexual activity, and recent policy changes have expanded that silent ban. This ban is not healthy for the community, given how important the Visitations policy is to every Exonian. Therefore, the Visitations policy needs to be considered independently from the question of whether sex is allowed.
It’s time for the school to adopt a clear and honest position on students having sex and develop policies around visitations that clearly and consistently support that position. If having sex is something that the school does not oppose, they should institute a visitations policy that allows it. If they are against it, they should come out and say it and define the regulations against it.
Beyond the concerns of any specific policy, what does the school’s silence say about its role in our lives? The school’s primary function is to educate us and to help us develop as fully formed human beings. That is the dream of prep schools like Exeter. We are supposed to be more than a place where kids study for a diploma; we seek to help children mature into fully self-aware adults, or at least approach that ideal. What does it say for the school to abstain from commenting on an issue which is so key to the lives of many young people in our community? Would the founders of Exeter and our successive principals have remained silent while trying to find a compromise? Does the school leave any other complex question unanswered? The answer is no: sex is the only one.
I understand that it might be appealing or easy to leave this question in a gray area. I know that addressing it would be a vast undertaking that involves consultation with the student body, the parent community and many other groups involved with the Academy. However, I also think that refusing to have a clear position on sex on campus will lead to more and more problems in the future.