Fall Term Leaf Checklist
By Jack Archer
Over fall term, no matter where you are, you will probably see a tree. Here is a straightforward, extremely unscientific, all-around unreliable checklist for you to identify the five types of fall term leaves.
1. Green leaves: Booooring. Check back later when they die. Leaves are only interesting when they are dying and/or dead.
2. Autumnal leaves: These leaves are the one photographers melt over. Apparently trees are only photogenic when they are dying, which is interesting because, for humans, it’s the complete opposite.
3. Millennial leaves: These are the kind that dangle from their respective tree, refusing to fall. It is a behavior very similar to millennials who refuse to move out from their parents’ house. Damn millennials. What, is housing too expensive now or something?
4. Brown leaves: These appear en masse between midterms and finals week. Their main purpose is to mirror your soul during this time. Other than that, they are boring until they fall, which results in ground leaves.
5. Ground leaves: Leaves on the ground. Divided into two types:
Crunchy: The best leaf type, hands down. Crunchy leaves are little bubbles of auditory joy for your feet to pop. You can crunch the crispest of leaves with a scowl on your face and death in your stare, yet overflow with satisfaction and happiness inside. Perfect for uppers. Nothing brings more fulfillment to life than stepping on a leaf that looks crunchy and finding that it is, indeed, crunchy.
Non-Crunchy: Satan-spawn. Nightmare fuel. The antithesis of crunchy leaves. Designed to rip everything that is good out of our world, like tiny black holes of sadness. The worst of this bunch are the leaves that look crunchy, but are actually as silent as an 8:15a.m. Zoom class. It hurts, to say the least. It hurts to step on a leaf that appears crisp and flatten it with no sound other than your foot hitting the cold hard ground. On behalf of the Humor page, may your fall be full of crunchy leaves and devoid of the imposters among them.