The Five Stages of Finals Week
By MELIA THIBAULT ‘27 and LEON XIE ‘27
“Because this beast, at which thou criest out,
Suffers not any one to pass her way,
But so doth harass him, that she destroys him;
And has a nature so malign and ruthless,
That never doth she glut her greedy will,
And after food is hungrier than before.”
- Dante, Inferno
Stage One: Bliss
You’re free at last. The nose-to-the-grindstone, weekend-to-weekend lifestyle you’ve come to perhaps not accept, but survive, has reached its end. Better yet, all that stands between you and sleeping in until 2 PM at home is one week of finals. But you’re not worried about that. It’s Friday night, after all. You might go out to Otto with your friends or watch that movie you’ve been planning to get around to, but one thing that’s definitely off the agenda is studying. You’ve earned a break. So you seize your wallet, lace up your shoes, and bound weightlessly out the door like Atlas released from his burden.
Stage Two: Denial
Okay, so maybe spending half of Saturday talking to your friends in the library and the other half asleep wasn’t part of the plan, but at least you made an effort to study! And besides, you’ve been doing your work with due diligence, so there’s nothing to be worried about in the first place! Your math notebook hasn’t had its pages turned since you plopped it open on your desk, but you know that a clear, calm mind is the best test prep there is, so you continue scrolling on Instagram. You’ll get back to work soon. Just five more minutes.
Stage Three: Bargaining
So, you kinda have some work to do now. And unfortunately, it’s lowkey a bit more than some. It’s already Sunday night, and the only thing you’ve been bothered to open all weekend is your wallet, but guess what! It’s okay, because you only have one test tomorrow, so everything else can wait until later tonight, or even tomorrow if you run out of time. Besides, it’s only one subject, so even if you haven’t studied a single word since your last class, how long could it really take? You understand most of it, right?
Stage Four: Regret
Well, well, well. It’s currently 2 A.M., and you have two tests tomorrow and one paper due the day after that you haven’t started. You’re running on nothing but anxiety and caffeine, the empty Celsius cans littered on and around your desk. Your roommate went to sleep 3 hours ago, because for some reason, they do their work ahead of time. Weird. But, is any of this your fault? Of course not! How can you possibly keep up with all of the work this school gives you! There was absolutely no way you could have started this any earlier.
Stage Five: Acceptance
Now you’re free. You’re back in your dorm, ready to relax after some rough finals when you come to the realization that between studying, sleeping, and eating, you haven’t packed your suitcase! You frantically shove things in your bag, but you can’t think of anything you need because your two hours of sleep the night before only gave you energy to get through your tests. You consider chugging the last of your Celsiuses, but you don’t have time for that, and your hands are shaking badly enough already. You finally scramble out of your room, sprinting to the bus, getting one of the last seats, people staring at you as you walk down the aisle. The second you get to your seat, it’s over. Maybe you failed your finals, but hey, at least you can sleep now! Or not. Turns out, the bus isn’t a very good place to sleep, especially when you’re in the aisle seat. Maybe the plane will be better.