Teachers, Please Don’t Do the Following:

BY ARYAN AGARWAL ‘27 and AARYAN PATEL ‘27

Phillips Exeter Academy, an institution for goody-goodys and Saints around the world, has an acclaimed faculty. They are some of the most educated high school teachers in the world, professionals, some may say, at their work. In fact, they are so professional, such experts, that they manage to effortlessly make our lives at this school infinitely harder with seemingly harmless acts. These acts are so harmless that they probably don’t even know that they are doing it. So we, The Exonian, present Annoying Things Exeter Teachers Do. 

NOTE: All Exeter teachers and faculty, we have very much respect and love for you. All content in this article is simply satirical. We love you! So thus, let the ravaging begin…

1. Posting Homework on Canvas at 8 p.m.

Just as you check off the final assignment on your canvas to-do list, you hear a PING as another assignment struts its way into your life, like a diva that no one wants there. The time: 8 p.m. A moral dilemma arises. The Exeter E-book says: “If it is absolutely necessary for an assignment to be given later, it must be given to the students by 6:30 p.m. that day.” Probably the only useful piece of information in that unreasonably long document that we all have read incredibly thoroughly. Please believe me, any administration that is reading this, I swear I read the E-book, and not this one very specific piece of information that directly benefits students.

2. Not Stopping the War Between Harkness Warriors

You have to awkwardly sit in your seat watching as two Harkness warriors argue, back and forth, across the table as your teacher maps what has become a two-person “discussion.” Every time you open your mouth to speak, the argument cuts you short. You don’t know when to jump in. Or what side of the argument to take. Apparently, they are talking about dolphin pregnancy and its political and societal effects on Azerbaijan. Sure, it’s a pretty pertinent topic, but can the teacher get us back onto Kendrick Lamar and SZA collaborations, and why SZA carries every time? That was a lot more interesting bro…

3. Grades Don’t Matter

No, you’re right. In fact, since they don’t matter, don’t grade me! I’m sure that will work out well for you. Or really, I can just fail all my classes and never graduate. What a lovely suggestion. Thank you!

4. Forcing Ice Breakers

The first day back from a relaxing break and you already are stressed out about a class. Why? Because your teacher wants you to sing and dance to Mesopotamian whale-drum rhythms in front of your whole class. 

“What’s your favorite ice cream flavor,” is the question at hand. Some kid says that he likes Galactic Moo Goo from his local parlor, topped with gummy worms. Everyone is entitled to an opinion if you can even call it that!

5. “Good Work” to “Okay Work”

So, you told me that my paper was on an A trajectory. You lied to my face and deceived me. You gained my trust, my good faith, and what did you do with it? A B+. Really? How did my argument get weaker when I didn’t change anything? 

So, my dear Exonians, we now conclude. Sure, maybe all of these are hilariously accurate. That doesn’t mean that we love our teachers any less. In fact, maybe we can find humor in these annoying things, even when presented with them in our own lives. Or, we can just scream and cry into our pillows. I personally prefer the latter, but it’s your choice, I guess.