Jealousy Over Whale Pressures English Dept. to Buy Thoreau Skeleton

BY ADAM TUCHLER

Nearly 20 years of donations and renovations have left Exeter’s Science Department with an impressive display of rare animals stuffed by skilled taxidermists. Hundreds of prospective students from around the world visit the Academy each year and marvel at the intimidating humpback whale skeleton hanging from the ceiling. The new Phelps Science Center has been the focus of many campus tours, at the expense of other departments. Well, not anymore. 

Teachers in Phillips Hall grew tired of their department being called “bland,” so, after many faculty meetings, they arrived at the perfect solution, one which would pull students away from the science building and draw them right to the magnificent Phillips Hall. They decided to purchase the skeleton of the brilliant philosopher and poet, Henry David Thoreau. Where and how they got the body, they would not disclose, but they did share that it would be displayed in Ms. Moore’s classroom to “lighten the mood.”

“At first, we were concerned with the ethics behind displaying a human skeleton,” English Instructor Erica Lazure said. “But if the science building can have a whale, surely we can have a human.” 

There was much debate on whose skeleton would be best to purchase, from Ralph Waldo Emerson to Emily Dickinson; one teacher even grimly requested Dan Brown. Regardless, the department was happy to announce that their purchase was successful, and that the skeleton would likely be on display as early as 2021.

This whole ordeal has inspired the other departments to spend their reserved money. The Music Department bought some new concert pianos, the Math Department renovated all the rooms to include white boards and, after years of saving, the Latin Department finally had enough money to resurrect the Holy Roman Empire.

As Henry David Thoreau once stated, “The world is but a canvas to our imagination.” With that in mind, the English Department is looking forward to acquiring more famous skeletons in the future.