School Enrolls Young Victorian
This Wednesday, a time portal appeared in the middle of Assembly, out of which exited three cavemen, Genghis Kahn, and a young Victorian Child named Josiah. The cavemen immediately attacked the projector, ripping down the magic box from the underworld. Once satisfied with their destruction of modern technology, they began ripping the benches out of the floor and throwing them at the windows, from which they then escaped and ran in the direction of Andover, hoping there would be some job openings.
Genghis Kahn took the more civil approach, lighting the stage on fire and yelling at the top of his lungs. Campus Safety tried to stop him, but quickly found the flames too much to handle. Students are especially grateful that the entirety of a certain boys’ dorm all decided to dick assembly that day, as the Assembly Hall would’ve posed as a serious fire hazard if they were present. Additionally, students have noted that if Sched was still functioning, literally every student on campus would be turned into Dhall’s next mystery meat.
Fortunately, Josiah made it out safely. As he has no parents on campus, legally, the school must enroll him and provide him with food, housing, and education. Josiah has been accepted into Main Street Hall. Unexpectedly, Josiah has been accepted extremely warmly. Main Street upper John Muscle is quoted saying, “I’m not gonna lie, dude’s like the weirdest kid I’ve ever met in my life. No matter how much I try he will not use toothpaste. He calls it the ‘devil’s medicine’ and spat at me when I tried to teach him about dental hygiene.”
Although his breath may be a little vile, Josiah seems to be kind in heart. His new club, Blessed Brothers Betwixt Technology, seems to be doing marvelous work against social media addiction. Josiah, when asked about why he made his club, stated, “I find it absolutely abhorrent that you heathens insist upon melting your souls into these ‘cellular phones’. This school needs purity! A proper Harkness Society subsists upon self-respect and healthy hearts. This is deplorable!”
After Josiah’s tirade, we asked his advisor how he seems to be doing academically, to which they revealed that, “he’s excelling in English, but he keeps on calling Physics an ‘evil, wicked, devilish, awful, godforsaken magick, never meant to be ascertained by humanity’”
Josiah is most popular at the gym, where his peers have stated that he’s “probably the most jacked little boy [they’ve] ever seen.”