Breaking: Principal Rawson Sighted “Surging With Power” Outside D2
Late afternoon last Thursday, William Rawson, the formerly-interim-then-properly-annointed principal of Phillips Exeter Academy was spotted, “surging with power” outside D^2 , a coffee shop popular among most students. Onlookers described him as having a “menacing aura” where they “didn’t really feel that scared, but knew [Rawson] was capable of great evil,” at that moment. D^2 staff is considering permanently banning Rawson from the location after bolts of electricity began sprouting from his body, leading many customers to flee the scene and make multiple calls to the Exeter Police Department. Upon their arrival, Rawson taunted the officers, shouting that, “nothing could harm [him],” and that he was “beyond mortal comprehension.” When asked why the police failed to stop Rawson, Exeter Chief of Police Ryan Mathews replied, “Listen, guys, the academy does a lot of good for the community and for the most part, Rawson’s a pretty good guy. I don’t understand the issue with letting a guy let loose once in a while. Also, I thought I would die.”
Due to legal limitations and Mathews’ feeble, spineless nature, more detailed accounts of the event had to be sought out among the student body. An anonymous Lower commented, “I was sitting inside the store drinking a London fog when my mug suddenly shattered. I looked out the window to see Rawson with two fingers on his temple, focusing so intensely he was turning purple. I wasn’t sure if he was breathing but when I realized he was sucking all the oxygen out of the air I went back to my dorm to get some homework done.”
Other students have begun suggesting Principal Rawson to be God, viewing the show of power as a possible beginning of the reckoning. A new club, Rawson’s Sons, has even arisen out of the movement, with the rationale behind it being that they, “haven’t really seen anything this powerful in [their] lives,” and, “even if [Rawson] isn’t the God, you have to admit he is one.” After polling the general student populus on their thoughts about the Rawson incident and the new club, most have said they, “don’t care,” and “at least he’s not writing an article about it.” That hurt my feelings.
Finally, parental response, likely rooted in the stresses of sending their children to boarding school, has been overwhelmingly in favor of Rawson. Most every parent has reached the consensus that it’s much safer to have Rawson allied with the school than pitted against it. Single father Richard Williams states many high schoolers are impressionable and if he had a powerful role model like that when he was that age he would be “World President” already, and not “the goddamn executive manager of Denny’s.” “Besides,” continues Williams, “I don’t think any of you have the means to get rid of him.”
Although having been generally unresponsive and unaccommodating in our efforts of getting a quote, Rawson has stated, “you couldn’t handle what I know.”