College Applications: NFL Draft Scouting Report Style

In light of last week’s NFL Draft, The Exonian wants to keep fans of another selection process in which organizations sporting various “team colors” choose which young people they will entrust their multi-million dollar resources, commitment week for the National College-Admissions Savegry League. Here’s our report on your top yet-to-be-commited classmates.

Latin Stew Dent

Combine Results: Cried in eight classes, scans lines in an average of 2.2 seconds, only caught without a vocab list three times.

Alumni Comparison: A classics professor who’s well known among other classics professors.

Overview: Dent demonstrates his passion for Latin and Greek at a level bordering on aggression. He’s won many Latin prizes, but he’s most proud of his translation of All-Starinto Latin. However, he scared a lot of his classmates when he insisted on wearing a toga for a week straight, and the fact that he spent no time on any other subject raises a red flag.

Good E. Twoshoes

Combine Results: Elected to a STUCO position every year, landed a captainship on the soccer team despite being a benchwarmer, logged 333 hours working on her 333 to secure a Negley, somehow was the winningest member of MUN even though she only went to the tournaments Harvard hosted.

Alumni Comparison: A generic, third-tier politician.

Overview: Although she impressed with her extra-curriculars and landed solid grades, Twoshoes didn’t seem to grasp that there was a world beyond Exeter. “You mean, I’ll have to do that, all over again? I thought I crammed enough into the last four years to last a few lifetimes!”

Arts E. Boi

Combine Results: Set Music Department record for number of solos performed, did Drama sports every term, mentioned her “six class day, if you include concert choir” over 1000 times.

Alumni Comparison: Lead singer in a band that tours between Des Moines, Iowa and Minneapolis.

Overview: Her grades are ok, but did you see that DRAMAT show?