Assembly Speakers Exposed For Dicking Assembly

In a surprising turn of events, the latest phenomenon in a worrying trend of increased absences is one that may seem absurd: Assembly speakers dicking their own assemblies. “Yeah, uh...we don’t know how to explain this one. Essentially we’re seeing assembly speakers show up to campus, and everything is going according to procedure. They check into their hotels, we give them a tour, and then come 9:45 Tuesday or Friday, they disappear,” said Authority Figure and Important Person Cean Doole of the reported incidents:

In order to deal with this unsettling situation, the administration has had to resort to some extreme measures. ‘We’ve taken to hiring body doubles,’ explained Doole. ‘And we have to send them up onstage in place of their originals. Sometimes we’ll need multiple body doubles, just in case the assembly speaker convinces their first body double to go to D2 with them or something right before.’ According to the Oean’s Dffice, the assembly speakers who were actually body doubles may surprise students. ‘That guy with the disinfectant startup that had everyone laughing, he was a body double. We actually found him in a comedy club in El Paso. That’s why he was so funny.’ The acquisition of body doubles for each assembly speaker has taken a toll on the Academy’s finances. The administration has resorted to extreme measures in order to cut spending, including selling the chairs from D-Hall, and kicking out one financial aid student each week to cover expenses.

“Wow. I didn’t think that they would kick me out like that. Apparently, I failed my body double training course? Um…I wasn’t taking that course. But I guess I’ll call my mom,” said one financial aid student,

Your editors can only hope such disturbing trends do not continue. In the event that they do continue, said a representative for the Oean’s Dffice, “we’re going to have to start instituting assembly speaker checks twice a week.” The penalty? “Death.”