Latin Poets on Date Night

Catullus:

-Opens date by complaining about his ex

-Gets drunk on old Falernian wine and starts spouting obscene but oddly charming phrases in elegiac couplet

-Eventually gets drunk enough to get really deep and introspective-Oh no

-Starts crying about his ex in Sapphic

-Love hurts

-He is a fragile flower

-Leaves in the middle of dinner -...I guess he’s going to get back together with his ex after all.

Ovid:

-Says he used to have trouble finding anyone lovely enough for him

-Likes your arms, your neck, and your mouth, probably.

-Thinks he’s the best playboy around and/or a soldier in Cupid’s form of war

-Writes witty and edgy poetry mocking other poets to get folks going

-Takes the rejection harshly and gets sad

-Really sad

-Writes a book about it called “sad things” because of how sad he is

-Loses all previous wit because of sadness

Horace:

-Opens date by telling you that you might as well marry him while you’ve still got time in this mortal coil

-“I’m different from the other guys. See, I’m *Greek*.”

-Guzzles old wine down and starts talking about his farm

-It’s a nice farm. There’s this one spring that he really likes. He makes wine jars.

-He won’t stop talking about the farm.

-Makes obscure references to trees that you only vaguely understand

-Tells you that you’re a lamb and he’s “not” one of your natural predators

-Talks about Apollo and Maecenas every 5 minutes

-“Hey, did I mention you’re gonna die eventually—so like, how about we get this show on the road, huh?”

Vergil:

-Likes bees

-Really, really likes bees -

Makes 3 similes about bees within the first 5 minutes

-Explains agricultural life

-Tells really good stories

-Thinks his stories are bad

-Tries to burn all his stories because he thinks they’re bad

-Secretly thinks Aeneas is a real wuss sometimes