U.S. Government Sends Letter to Exonian Student Council Telling them to Stop Being Dysfunctional

After eight people were named to a StuCo board that only had three open sports, the House of Representatives and the Senate put out a joint statement that said that Exeter was giving politics a bad name. “I mean, what on earth are you doing?” the statement read. “We have an almost 0% approval rating, and you’re managing to do your job worse than we are? We literally can’t do anything right, but even we managed to fill 100 spots with 100 people, and not with 376.”

Presidents Packson Jarell and Benat Men(not even going to try) responded to this by saying “No screw you Jackson! You put out the last press release, and it’s my turn now! That’s how sharing works!” To back this statement up, the Vice President, the esteemed Michael WillSoltas Han said “This comment’s mine! I’m going to be away in spring term anyway, so let me talk! You two will have it all to yourself in the spring!” I would quote the Secretaries, but as they are in the grade below me, I don’t know any of their names.