The Prom Date Manifesto
Listen up, gentlemen of campus. Are you a senior boy who has two prom tickets but no prom date? Are you too nervous to ask the person you want to go with? Did somebody ask them already? Are you stuck between a rock and a hard place? Does your mom expect cute prom photos that you don’t know how to provide at this point? Well I, Emily Green, have just the solution for you: take me, the campus heartthrob, to prom.
Think about it. I’ll be on campus anyway for the Exonian grad issue, so it’s no skin off my back. Plus, I may or may not already have a dress that I really don’t want to save for Winter Formal. Going to prom would be of no inconvenience to me, especially since most of my friends are going, and I’m the most underutilized prom resource on this campus. I would be an ideal prom date, for the following reasons.
1. The photos will be prime. I’m 5’1”, so you’ll definitely look tall next to me. I have hair which can be styled in a multitude of fashions to fit your vibe. I have moderately high cheekbones, so your mother will think I’m cute.
2. You will look cool. I’m an expert at making a fool of myself, so next to me, you’ll look like a downright stud. Think about it: dancing next to me, people will wonder why you never joined a dance group in your time on campus.
3. I know how to have a good time. At any given moment, I know at least ten fun facts about Benjamin Franklin off the top of my head.
4. If you don’t have friends, you’ll get to sit with my friends, instantly making yourself look a little cooler.
5. I’m enthusiastic.
6. We can p a r t y.
7. If you take me to prom, when people ask me about you in the future, I’ll tell them you’re a “great guy” even if you aren’t. In today’s society, you need good networking skills like that.
8. Please.
9. I’ll give you a shoulder massage so you won’t be tense after a long night of dancing.
10. If you don’t have fun, you’re graduating, so you never have to talk to me ever again.
11. I’ll send you a thank you note.
12. Pls I wanna go to prom.
If these reasons have convinced you that I am the prom date for you, email me for prom date inquiries.