Future White House Press Release Statements

“Donald Trump would like to point out that the phrase ‘I hate orphans’ can have multiple connotations, and that making fun of a toddler on live television for not getting Christmas presents doesn’t mean he is opposed to good Christian values.”

“Donald Trump would like to say sorry to all of the citizens of Little Falls New York. He didn’t mean to drill directly through the main sewage pipe with a jackhammer and is sorry about the smell.”

“Donald Trump wants to apologize for saying that he ‘hates poor people with a passion’ before making a executive statement that he would ‘go around the country kicking every poor person he saw.’”

“Donald Trump would like to defend his ‘who cares if women have miscarriages’ statement. This is a quote out of context. The full quote is ‘who cares if women have miscarriages, any abortion is murder’”

“Donald Trump would like to state officially for people to please not feed the ducks on his resort. They are starting to annoy him, and he wants them to starve.”

“Donald Trump would like to use this platform to ‘hit up’ Angela Merkel.”

“Donald Trump would like to ask Taylor Swift if the song ‘You Belong With Me’ is about him, and would like to say that it makes him tear up a bit every time.”

“Donald Trump wants to say in this official capacity that he ‘misspoke’ when he said ‘Hail Satan, prince of darkness’ during the state of the union. On a related note, he also said that the red liquid that he ingested directly through a tube connected to his throat was ‘Hawaiian Punch.’”