16 Ways to Become My Valentine

1. Buy me chocolate.

2. Sacrifice yourself for me.

3. Make me a card.

4. Figure out how to impeach Donald Trump.

5. Duel with another boy and win.

6. Write a humor article.

7. Engage in intellectual conversation with me.

8. Carve my name in a magic tree to give me special powers.

9. Take me out for dinner.

10. Take me on an adventure, riding on the back of a zebra.

11. Figure out the meaning of life.

12. Cook some good barbecue.

13. Inaugurate me for president.

14. Have a wild side.

15. Become a wolf god.

16. Become the sun.