Student Gets 11.0 Midterm, No One Cares

On Monday lower Jerome Squalor received his midterm grades and, to his delight, learned that his GPA for the term then was a perfect 11.0. He expected praise from his adviser, Shia Labeouf, but when he approached her about the topic, her only response was “Well, you have nowhere to go but down.”

In desperate need of positive feedback, Squalor called his parents to tell him the news. “Good job, son,” said Squalor’s father, “but grades alone aren’t going to get you into the Ivy of my dreams. You take after Esme.” Senior Esme Squalor, Jerome’s sister, turned herself into the busiest person on campus and has consequently not been seen in years.

Jerome Squalor has decided that, as an act of defiance, he will allow his grades to drop. “I guess I’m going to just have to get an A- or two.” Squalor shuddered at this thought. “Desperate times call for desperate measures, you know?”