EPA Social Media Blackout Ends, Followed by Official Report Confirming Earth is Flat
Late Wednesday, newly sworn in President Donald Trump’s embargo on tweets from the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was lifted, followed shortly by an official EPA report tweeted out to the public claiming that the Earth is, in fact, flat.
The ten-page report was written by Trump’s top official staff of pseudoscientists, a committee he made up this morning, including specialists such as the Long Island Medium, the Magician for Non-Believers, and Guy Fieri. The report includes lots of eloquent, persuasive language, such as, “the world is flat because I say so.”
“See? I told those whiny liberals that Trump wasn’t going to hurt the EPA. They’re doing real life science now! This is the kind of answer I wanted to hear!” one Trump supporter from Louisiana told us while wearing a t-shirt from a Texas creationist summer camp.
Meanwhile, real scientists are panicking. When we contacted top members of the EPA from the Obama administration, they told us that, “dear God, we knew it would be bad, but we had no idea it would be this bad.”
A spokesperson from the Exeter biology department agreed with that sentiment, telling us that, “now not only will the polar bears all die, but we can’t even try to rescue them because travel to the North Pole will be restricted due to fear that planes and ships will go too far and fall off the Earth.”
It seems this new revelation on the part of the EPA will be incredibly destructive, and the entire scientific community is at a complete and utter loss as to what to do. The Trump administration’s love of “alternative facts” is hurting the EPA and other important scientific organizations.
In other news, the EPA subsequently sent out a tweet saying that they will also soon release a report on the truth of other “previously thought myths,” such as the existence of the Loch Ness Monster, the importance of finding Atlantis, the science behind the evolution of Bigfoot and the legitimacy of the Trump election.