Several Students Incapacitated Over the Weekend as a Result of Hover Hand.

Last Saturday, the Grainger Auditorium became packed in with well-dressed, contoured teenage bodies. The majority of students was in attendance, even the people whom I had asked to take as a date and responded, “Uh, sorry—I have a lot of homework.” While this might have resulted in more fun for the attendees and concluded as a success for Winter Formal’s host, WPEA, it also invited the return of mankind’s worst foe: the hover hand.“I didn’t even feel this dead after watching Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve performance,” stated lower Megan Campbell. “After checking  out Winter Formal, I checked my Facebook and kept clicking refresh until pictures were posted and, when I finally found myself, I was mortified.” Campbell, who has straddled the line between vaguely-know-her-but-won’t-acknowledge-her-on-the-path and I-guess-I-would-be-okay-doing-a-group-project-with-her since prep fall now feels that her reputation has been forever soiled. “Now my profile picture will never get over two-hundred likes,” she sobbed.Other students are concerned about their relationship status. Four-year senior Katy Swanson has undergone a breakup due to someone spotting her hover hand at Winter Formal. “Bernie and I started talking the summer before prep year,” explained Swanson. “We’ve been dating ever since and I thought we were going to last forever. I had made a private wedding Pinterest and everything, but after I was outed as having a hover hand, Bernie broke up with me.” Since the occurrence, Swanson has not been able to find anyone—not even a prep, to go to EP with.Still, there are those who are all for the notorious hover hand. “I don’t want any teenage punk touching my son,” proclaimed strict parent Adam Lamperti. “My son isn’t allowed to date until he is in his mid-twenties. His touching leads to more touching, which leads to pregnancy which might even lead to more touching and his virtue and reputation mustn’t be tarnished.”Hover hand has not been spotted since Winter Formal, but that does not mean that the conversation has to stop. If you or someone you know has been seriously affected by hover hand, please contact rmcshane@exeter.edu.