Family Weekend Goes Well for Some, but Decidedly Horrible for Others

Though Family Weekend was a highly anticipated event that caused 1074 little hearts to palpitate and squeeze with fear, it passed by smoothly with relatively few incidents.

“Besides having math twice due to the CBEG Saturday schedule, Family Weekend went well for me,” said senior Hue Pacard. “My parents didn’t embarrass me, I didn’t embarrass my parents (except for those 100 minutes in the Academy Building basement) and neither of them forced me to get a haircut.”

Unfortunately, some other students were not as lucky. “I’ve been sheared!” One prep baaaa-ed, after removing his hat to show off a particularly bad ’do. “This will prevent me from ever getting an EP date again! Do my parents even realize that bowl cuts aren’t in anymore? All of my friends now call me ‘Mushroom Boy.’”

Mushroom Boy also received his failed biology exam on Friday. He neglected to successfully answer questions such as “What is the powerhouse of the cell?” and “Can you name every member of this class?” Mushroom Boy’s father, Mushroom Man, punished Mushroom Boy by emailing the prep’s teachers and informing them that Mushroom Boy might need some extra help.

During his Spanish class, Mushroom Boy’s Spanish teacher, Señora Mushroom told Mushroom Man that Mushroom Boy had a crush on her daughter. Unfortunately, the feeling was not mutual and the daughter forgot to tell Mushroom Boy that she would not be able to attend the date at Penang, leaving Mushroom Boy to enjoy his scallion pancakes alone.

“Mushroom Boy really had a bit of a rough weekend,” Mushroom Boy’s friend, Tomato Guy, so named for his chronic hypertension, told The Exonian. “To make things worse, my parents absolutely despised him.”

“It’s true,” Tomato Guy’s father, Watercress Fellow, said. “Mushroom Boy and his family are from the Midwest, a region that I absolutely cannot condone.”

Though that was a tough blow for Mushroom Boy, he was consoled by the fact that Watercress Fellow isn’t really even Tomato Guy’s father, a fact that Watercress Fellow is unaware of.

In summary, don’t insult those from the Midwest.