How to Get Into an Ivy League School

1. Buy out the test prep section in the bookstore. This includes all subjects, not just the ones you take. You can do double damage this way by being able to take standardized tests for any subject you want and preventing any of your competition…um, that is, classmates… from studying for said tests. It will cost thousands of dollars, but it’s a small price to pay for admission to We-Accept-Negative-10-Percent-Of Applicants University.2. Get at least a 1700 on your SATs. Yes, the new scale that only goes to 1600. But you’re an Exonian! And Exonians don’t let things that are literally impossible stand in their way.3. Remember Harambe died for us.4. Come up with the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you, such as getting a grease stain from your Grill fries on your favorite pair of salmon shorts. Then come up with some deep metaphor for how this reflects the progression of your life and how nothing will ever be the same. Hyperbole does wonders here.5. Use lots of big words in your essay, even if you don’t antidisestablishmentarianism what they hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.6. If all else fails, just show up on your chosen campus and move into someone else’s room, then begin going to classes as you would if you had gotten in by conventional means. There may be some confusion on the part of your new roommate, which is completely normal. However, they will accept you into their community soon enough and you will be attending the college of your choice. Besides, it’s not like a professor would notice an extra person in a 1000-person lecture hall. Or would they?