Health Center Offers New Treatment, Sparks Controversy

Over the years, the Lamont Health Center has been known for a variety of things, including prep and lower health classes, toast and a huge basket of *contraceptives* near the front door. However, the Health Center is perhaps best known for the fact that it treats all ailments, from paper cuts to mad cow disease, with a small dosage of Ibuprofen and sending students on their way.

This is the case no longer. Starting this term, the Health Center will be doing a trial run of a radical, cutting-edge treatment known as application of frozen dihydrogen monoxide. In the past, this remedy has only been used for the treatment of injuries that inhibit athletic performance and has just recently been approved for use in all patients at the Health Center. A representative of Health Services reported that they are “thrilled to announce that such a revolutionary treatment is coming to Exeter.”

Although this dihydrogen monoxide treatment will surely rewrite history books for the better, there are many side effects that have caused controversy around the idea of using it in Health Services. The biggest side effect is that everyone who has ever been exposed to the chemical has died. It is also incredibly addictive, and withdrawal symptoms can show up in as little time as a day. In the past, dihydrogen monoxide has even been used as a torture device, for the wrong sort of exposure to it can be harmful to the functioning of the body and cause death.

Health Services is aware of the concerns, and acknowledges that once a patient has been exposed to the chemical, they must continue its use. “We decided that the benefits outweighed the risks. After all, it is a simple treatment for all aches and pains, and even some illnesses. Besides, everyone dies anyway, so we might as well get the students some of this remarkable treatment so they can enjoy their time above the ground,” said the representative.

However, when senior Leena Hamad was informed of the side effects, she was left stunned. “I can’t believe that they would just administer a treatment that kills people!” she said. Lower Wynter Tracey agreed with Hamad, saying, “Killing people is bad.” Conversely, alumnus Stephen Hu ’16 said that although he disagrees with the use of dihydrogen monoxide, he is “grateful that the school is at least trying to improve the lives of students.” An alumnus who has chosen to remain anonymous (wisely) said that he was “too busy having [his] [censored] wife do [his] research for [him] to give a [censored] about those [censored] kids.” Mark Zuckerberg, Exeter class of ’02, probably declined to comment.

All controversy aside, the Health Center’s plans will go forward. “Even for all its side effects, frozen dihydrogen monoxide could be a step toward even more advanced technologies. We are very excited to begin to implement this plan. Hopefully the parents won’t mind the eventual death of their children,” said the representative. So, expect to see the use of dihydrogen monoxide everywhere, and don’t expect Health Services to be apologetic.