Student Does Not Leave Room for Nine Days

Upper Renee Huhn has not left her room in Hoyt Hall in over a week. What most dormmates thought was a bad instance of either the stomach flu or 333 turned out to be a bout of sentimentality.

Huhn was found wrapped in a blanket, clutching pages of personal poetry and staring pensively out her window. She overall looked like, according to neighbor Magisha Thohir, “a mix between Zach Galifianakis and an intoxicated grandma.” The clean-up crew discovered a total of 23 staples in her hair, 12 cheesy quotes written on her arms and 32 circles under her eyes. The group determined that she had been in her room for nine days by the shoes she had on. “She was wearing Birkenstocks, which are so two weeks ago,” reported upper Mel Duenas.

Cases like Huhn’s aren’t uncommon at the end of the year. “When I get to thinking about how I’ll never pick up a copy of The Exonian from Agora, be one of the first to read the humor section or attend an institution with talented, humble writers like Majestic Terhune, I get sad,” senior Meg Kammle said. “In fact, I get so sad that I just stop doing my homework and start doing things like enjoying life. Horrible, right?”

Not everyone feels as much empathy for Huhn. “What a baby,” exclaimed classmate Sara Michaels. “She has a good year left of perdition to live through.”

In order to push past all her emotions, like most Exonians do, Huhn has made some adjustments. “She burnt all her Adele CDs, deleted her ‘road less traveled’ playlist on Spotify and erased all the vague status updates on her Facebook profile,” stated lower Chiara Perotti Correa. “She even has friends now.”

As illogical as it may sound, the class of 2017’s graduation date is only growing nearer. For this reason and despite recent progress, Huhn is expected to never recover.