Holiday Tracker

This week: ¡Cinco de Mayo!

Origin: Mexico won a highly improbable war against the French on May 5, 1862. This prompted the date to be celebrated with military demonstrations in Mexico. Americans took one look at this and thought, “How can we make a military holiday racist and demeaning?” and proceeded to celebrate by drinking Tequila, eating tacos, speaking in very offensive Mexican accents and calling every person they see Pablo or Juan. To this day, it’s barely even celebrated in Mexico.

Does date of celebration change?: CINCO DE MAYO! FIFTH OF MAY!

Reason it still exists: People like binge drinking to “pay homage to Mexico.”

Gifts: Sombreros, tri-colored flags and gift cards to Chipotle “Authentic” Mexican Cuisine.

Is it religious?: No, unless stereotypes are a religion.

People who dread it: Real Mexicans living in America. “Hola Pablo. Joo wan some Tequila? Paco like taco.”

It’s easy to notice it’s Cinco de Mayo because: Everyone suddenly gets really dumb.

How you’ll feel when it’s over: About the same as the French felt.